HIM: Tears on Tape - A review

Any band that reaches the ‘20^th year of existence’ milestone has  usually had their share of struggles with carrying on, such as gathering the sufficient motivation and inspiration to continue in not only making music, but also persisting in a rapidly changing industry. When you add to that the debilitating health issues their drummer went through, it’s a miracle HIM have managed to put out their new record, Tears on Tape, at all. The album suffers from the bands, no doubt justified, need to get back into the game quickly – but it is far from a flop.

Whether or not you like HIM and their brand of pop-laced, faux-metal rock, they have built a credible fan base with their high level of quality, and an air of nonchalant swagger personified by their Billy Idol-esque frontman, Ville Vallo. To their detractors this record will no doubt represent just another blip in a discography of pop-rock records aimed and teen goths. True HIM connoisseurs, however, track the fluctuations in HIM’s style with meticulous precision – from the early, almost doom-metal days of Greatest Love songs Vol.666 and Razorblade Romance, to the pop excursions of Deep Shadows and Brilliant Highlights and Screamworks: Love in theory and practice. Even their throwback album, Venus Doom, intentionally heavier than its predecessors, still had that positive, major chord sparkle that graces all the newer HIM outings, along with more upbeat lyrics (albeit still filled with references to death, blood and graves).

While again pretending to, and at times succeeding, to be heavier than its predecessors, Tears on Tape still holds that ‘’happy” if not sappy tone that has characterized the last few HIM records – it is a trend that does not seem to be regressing, to the chagrin of some fans.

After the booming introduction of Lips Go Blue, a full-on aggressive HIM track reminiscent of some of the heavier tracks on Dark Light, the record slips into a groove and remains unchanged up until the very end, and the surprisingly down-tempo, doomy W.L.S.T.D. This is one of the records major drawbacks: the songs meld together, and while some excel (Love without tears) and others flop (the title track) it takes several listens for most of these songs to make an impression and for the listener to differentiate them.

Combine this with the fact that, out of the 13 tracks on Tears on Tape, 4 are instrumental filler tracks and 4 are something akin to filler songs – songs that sound like the band put minimal effort into creating them – and you get an album that feels more like a jam session, or a masterfully produced demo. This can be a good thing, as the album is extremely easy and smooth to listen too – it feels, as mentioned, as one long song with good and bad moments.

 HIM prove they still pack a punch though, with the afore mentioned All Lips go Blue being the highlight, followed by the keyboards laced Love without tears and the more rockin’ No Love and I will be the end of you. Finally, W.L.S.T.D is almost doom metal and would, without the poppy chorus, feel right at home at a Black Sabbath fan’s discography; as would many of those Sabbath-like breakdowns on this record.

Tears on Tape is a couple of really killer songs wrapped in 10 filler songs. It is a package that might disappoint some of the hardcore HIM fans – but that very group is already mindful of the fact that this album very nearly might have never existed at all. From that perspective, Tears on Tape is a 

pretty good deal.

I WISH I WAS AN ARTIST WRITER MUSICIAN ASTRONAUT WHO KNOWS MARTIAL ARTS.... AND BAR TRICKS!

…because no one says no to an Astronaut.

But seriously, consider the average person. He or she is, as implied, average. She has a job she can do reasonably well, that he or she has learned to do by, well, doing it. She has one, a maximum of two hobbies she does all right in – one better than the other. He or she has predictable taste in movies and music that she never indulges in outside of simple consumption.

But each one of these, every one of them (you? us?) dreams, and they dream BIG. While dreams of monetary success and personal bliss (get married, nice car, house, wife…the classic) are uniform, there is one kind of dreaming whose fatality we consistently ignore, and it hinders us in ever achieving it – the dream of DOING.

To those of you who read this and still have no idea what I am talking about, consider yourselves lucky – your needs and dreams cover the bottoms the Maslow pyramid neatly, and are not bothered by the more ephemeral top. You’re not stupid; you’re just pragmatic – your dreams take little maintenance. Read on only if you’re interested on an analysis of someone completely different to you.

Who AM I talking about? I’m talking about the “creatives”. I am talking about you (usually artistically inclined) wishful thinkers. Yes, you.  The ones who see a beautiful painting and think “Wow. I wish I could paint like this”

And there it is. Like a thorn festering in a soul, but not hurting – because if it hurt, you’d remove it. You don’t think “This is an amazing painting. I’m going to learn how to paint like this” No. You think “I WISH I could paint like this” I wish. Wishing, dreaming.  What’s the problem with dreaming? It’s a two part problem. 

The first part deals with the brain’s innate ability to ignore effort, if possible. What your guile filled gray mass does is that it simply equates THINKING and IMAGINING yourself doing something (“Oh, wouldn’t it be awesome if I could do this!”) – as ACTUALLY DOING IT.

Crazy, right? No...Not really. Just stupid. Lets go to part two.

The second part deals with your (and my) inability to prioritize. At one point you realize that it is not possible to learn karate, dancing, painting and guitar, all at master lever – or if it is, it is not only going to take effort, but it will have to be done ONE AT A TIME. Time – meaning asides effort, you will need to invest TIME. That’s right motherfuckers; this is not the Matrix (I know kung fu!) – you will actually need to sacrifice your time and effort, ONE BY ONE, with very little gain short term, and with the long time gain so far you will immediately get dispirited. 

Yep.

So what will you do? You will imagine. You will use the one thing you’re actually really good at, dreaming, and imagine yourself doing those things you want to do. Then you will tap yourself on the back, and continue not doing it. This is why kids are better at learning – because circumstance forces them to DO THINGS instead of think of them. Don’t worry – kids dream all the time. It’s just that, unlike adults, these dreams have very little to do with what they DO – that stuff is governed by their parents. Read a book. Go to ballet. Learn pottery. Do. Do. Do. Do.

The problem is that at one point this sort of governance, direction, guidance, call-it-what-you-will – it stops. There is a transitional phase and then YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE DOING IT TO YOUR CHILD.

In effect, no one is forcing you to do anything anymore, and that sucks. Because we dreamers (for lack of a less hippie term) are not big on doing. We're VERY big on dreaming but, as demonstrated, doing was something we were used to be told, not having to conjure up motivation ourselves.

What? Go do something for two years with no visible gain till the two years pass? And ONLY then go on to do that other thing you wanted to know how to do, and then ALSO see no results for two years? I don’t like that. Give me back my lolly.

…

If you are offended by this text, or consider yourself above the mentioned type of Homo sapiens – good. If you’ve noticed a certain note of bitterness or resentment towards ‘them’ in this text – good. It is a product of self-loathing and an attempt to provide constructive criticism to myself (and others) Consider it a less tacky self help pamphlet. I’ll put a little “fuck you” here, on the end, just to make it edgy. Funny thing is - it’s directed at me.

THE BEST OF THE PAST - THE TOP ALBUMS OF 2012

Now that the flurry of end-of-year's lists has ceased...its time for mine! We start with the music one. Scroll down if you just wish to see the top 3 - asides the top 3 the rest are in no particular order.

THE ALBUM TITLES ARE LINKED TO FULL ALBUMS WHERE AVAILABLE. Each mini review also has links for the best songs on the album in it. Enjoy.


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10. Jack White - BLUNDERBUSS

I thought the age of rock stars was gone. While this might be the case, Jack White might be the last of a dying breed. A rock star needs to be eccentric, a bit nutty, arrogant, and make killer music. This dude has got it all - the songs on his debut solo effort, Blunderbuss, are often catchy, consistently innovative and above all slick and cool. Some of the more experimental tracks such as Weep Themselves to Sleep  satisfy the purists, while there is even a little hit or two in the form of Sixteen Saltines and Freedom at 21 Lets hope for more original and above all, unique, artist like good ol' Jack in 2013.


9.  Ellie Goulding - HALCYON

These days pop is increasingly diluted by electronica and dubstep. So it is very heartening and pleasant to the ear when this kind of dilution works well. I've listened to Ellie before - and her hit single Lights caught me as one of the most strikingly good pop songs in recent times. Good to know she is keeping the tradition with this album, as almost every track  is a must hear. Suggested songs include Figure 8, My Blood, Hanging On, Explosions and Need your love.



8.  Holy Knights - BETWEEN DAYLIGHT AND PAIN

Old school, vintage 98' power metal in 2012? I'd have thought it impossble. Though there were albums on my full top 20 list that I listened to a bit more, this one gets on the list just because of the sheer boldness of it. Its no bullshit, no compromise power metal - it does not care if its stock, it does not care if its kitsch - it just ripps. Check out Beyond the Mist and Glass Room for proof.




7. The Killers - BATTLEBORN

The Killers are a consistently good band, but I must admit their previous outing wasn't too interesting. With this album they finally complete the transformation from brit-pop band into the Bruce Springsteen band - and that is, overall, a good thing.  Songs like Deadlines and Commitments and The Way it Was have so much feel and weight behind them, you have wonder where Flowers draws his inspiration from, considering he is younger than 40. Listen to Flesh and bone and Here With Me as well.


6. Stone Sour - HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT 1

Much lauded as an epic concept album, its good to know the music actually held up to expectation. Though the album never fully takes off after 3 brilliant opening tracks (Gone Sovereign/Absolute Zero and A Rumor of Skin) it closes perfectly with The Last of the Real,  giving us much to look forward too in part 2, coming out in 2013.




5. Keane - STRANGELAND

A unmistakable presence in my summer playlists, Keane are noteworthy because they tend to make happy, inspiring pop with depressing, gloomy lyrics - a contrast I qute enjoy. After a very dodgy forray into mainstream pop, they return with their signature sound - soaring piano, cherubic voice and moody lyrics. The whole album is good. Songs like You are Young and Sovereign Light Cafe are classics, and On the Road. Silenced by the Night and In your own time  are pretty damn good to. Insanely catchy stuff.




4. Revocation -TERATOGENESIS

After they ripped the collective face off the metal scene with their thrashy-deathy-proggy masterpiece A Chaos of Forms, Revocation hit us with a free EP and, surprise surprise, it is superb. While probably too brutal for some, it again walks the thin line between death, thrash and even prog and black metal in a wonderful fusion of sheer aggression and technicality. Just when you think the melodies are gone though, they strike back in dashing solo sections.  Wouldn't mind even more of the prog elements. These guys are so good, a FREE ep they make (get it HERE) makes the top 10. Revocation are, for me, the future of metal. Songs to hear: Bound by Desire, Teratogenesis, Spurn the Outstreched Hand.



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AND NOW.....FOR THE TOP 3! CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC!

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1. WINTERSUN - Time 1
(Listen to the full album HERE)

An album that took 8 years to make. An album with over 200 channels (ie separate instrument elements recorded). A long awaited masterpiece, too complex to be one full album, so split into two.

Sounds impossible, pretentious, bloated? Sure - but it's also true. Enter the best album (well, 3 songs) of 2012 -  Time 1.

The music is epic, complex, sweeping. Power metal with black metal vocals is an oversimplification for the orchestral, even progressive insanity that surges through your ears and takes hold. Every song has sections that make my hair stand on end in awe (if not the whole song, that is). No song is bad - it is all uncompromisingly glorious.

So why is it not the indisputable best album of the year? Because its not really a full album - its 3 songs. If Time 2 is anything like Time 1, merged together they will make one of the best metal albums of all time.



2. KAMELOT - Silverthorn
(NOTE: Almost NO songs could be found online. Sorry. Download it...)

On paper, everything was promising with Silverthorn. After the gut-wrenching departure of singer Roy Khan, Kamelot hired awesome prog-pop vocal Tommy Karevik to replace him. They promised a return to a more old school Karma sound. Then the album hit the shelves and - I was dissapointed.

Tommy was forced to (mostly) imitate Roy Khan's singing instead of utilizing his own impressive pipes. The Karma sound was only evidenced in bits and pieces. The single, Sacrimony, wasnt very catchy or unique. So how did it become one of the top 3 albums of the year?

This album grew on me with great speed, once again proving my hypothesis that an album must be listened to top-to-botom several times before laying any kind of judgment. In time I came to realize the album has no bad songs, and that it in effect presents the new Kamelot in the best possible light. The verdict - Silverthorn is one of the best Kamelot album to date.

 So how come this switch? Yes, Tommy does emulate Khan far too much - but this is really the only true fault of the album, and as such, not such a big deal - I'm pretty sure on the next album we will hear far more of Tommy's own bombastic voice. The Karma sound? It's there - but so is almost  every other part of the Kamelot sound spectrum. There is power metal in Solitaire and Torn. There is the melodic vibe of Ghost Opera on My Confession and Sacrimony. There Black Halo-like songs through and through such as Falling like the Farenheit, Veritas and the ballad Song for Jolee. There is even an Epica-B-side-sounding song in Silverthorn. Finally, there is evolution (and some Poetry for the Poison riffing) in one of the best songs on the album - Ashes to Ashes.

What we get in the end is a masterfully produced, executed and composed collage of various Kamelot sounds, an album that is so easy to listen to and acessible it found itself replayed a milion times on my MP3 player after being out for a month or two. Here is to Kamelot for not only surviving the singer change, but thriving.



3. BRENDON SMALL - Galaktikon
(Listen to the full album HERE)

Out of all the Albums of The Year (the top 3) this one is most deserved, for one reason - It came out in the beginning of 2012 and is STILL being replayed on my MP3 and computer playlist. It is so catchy, and has such staying power, that it probably is the best album of the year in my book - at least as far as replayability. So what is it?

Brendon Small is the author and mastermind between Dethklok - originally a joke band made for his TV series Metalokalipse that is fast becoming a serious, noteworthy metal band. While the story of how Dethklok would fare far better (in my opinion) with melodic vocals is a story for another ocassion - but here is the proof: Galaktikon.

Galaktikon is like the rabid lovechild of Queen, Anthrax, Foo Fighters and Joe Satriani. Its singing is melodic, its riffs are heavy, its solos are...well, galactic! Just listen to Prophecy of the Lazer Witch or Beastblade or check out the Queen laced power of You cant run away.

Though it is a "silly" concept record about a hero's intergalactic divorce and subsequent quest to save his X from his arch enemy, the songs and lyrics bear more weight than many "serious" concept albums - the songs are so well crafted that the comic-book plot adds value, and the lyrics are well written even considering the zany subject matter.

There are no filler tracks here - every song could be a single, another advantage. By the time you are capped off with  the scorching instrumental Dangertits  and the thrasher On my Way you are left regreting that Brendons side project will never be as popular as his main project, Dethklock - though it is far more deserved of your attention.


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HONORABLE MENTIONS:

- MUSE, Second Law - MUSE are no longer the MUSE we know and love, but still kick ass.

- OSI, Fire Make thunder - You cant go wrong with this Kevin Moore creativity vessel, even though it gets a tad boring at times.

- STAMINA,  Nocebo - Explosive, Nordic, crazy metal. What more do you need?

- KREATOR  Phantom Antichrist - The fathers of German thrash metal do it again.
 
- BLAQK AUDIO,  Bright Black Heaven - A guilty pleasure of mine - eurodance mixed with hints of Depeche Mode. 4 good songs wasnt enough for the top, though.

- DETHKLOK, Dethklok 3 - Brendon Small's semi-serious metal outing. Kicks amazing ass, even though I truly wish it had melodic vocals instead of those cookie monster death growls.

- DEVIN TOWNSEND PROJECT, Epicloud - Its Epic, and it is Loud, but I get this feeling of rince-repeat from Devins albums lately. Has 2,3 killer tracks though.

- SERJ TANKIAN, Harakiri - Completely overlooked but, at times, quite good.

- SONATA ARCTICA, Stones Grow her Name - ''Selling out" from their power metal roots didnt do Sonata Artica that good...but the few tracks it did, it was damn good.

BURY THE SUMMER

So, before I publish my winter playlist, and go on to post all of my end-of-year lists - I think I need to give summer a Viking funeral.

This is what Google pops out with then I type "Summer Viking funeral" so there.

I wont bore you more: These are the songs I played ceaselessly throughout the summer. Some of them are actual summer songs, most of them are not. It is, however, a nice nod toward my end-of-year top 10 list as well as a neat way to get in a more, ahem, "sunny" mood this otherwise apocalyptic winter.

In no specific order, here goes.

BURY THE SUMMER PLAYLIST 

(The link to a playlist with ALL THESE SONG can be found HERE.)

1.   M83 - Midnight City

2.   KIMBRA - Settle Down

3.   SIDDHARTA - Indian Boy

4.   MUSE - Madness

5.   KEANE - Sovereign Light

6.   JEZABELS - Hurt me

7.   THE KILLERS - Deadlines and Commitments

8.   APOPTYGMA BERZERK - Cambodia

9.   STONE SOUR - Gone Sovereign/Absolute Zero

10. KEANE - We Are Young

11. KIMBRA - Come into My head

12. SIDDHARTA - Bonsai

13. THE KILLERS - The way it was

14. CLOUDKICKER - LA After Rain

15. KEANE - On the road

OPTIONAL READING:

Memories tied to these include 

- Walking around Herceg Novi

- Dancing to Siddharta with my girlfriend, live,surrounded by a cloud of dust

- Banana Shake

- Enjoying the "beach" whilst trying to ignore the danger of a volleyball in my face

- Trudging along to driving lessons in Belgrade with Keane's We Are Young.

- Driving along verdant fields with my buddy Orgazmotron

- Waving goodbye to my girlfriend as she takes the bus home and waling back to my own......

- Singing "You'l always be my Indian boy" to my bud Dzule, no homo.

LIKE ME!

For a long time, I resisted the Facebook LIKE button. To me, it was an avatar of everything I hated about Facebook -  this lazy, de-personalized, systematized social relation. If you REALLY like something, you can afford to write two, three words…maybe even an ENTIRE SENTENCE! Right? Just like txt-speek leaking into the internet, I found the like an abhorrent phenomenon. Is it that hard to express yourself? Is it that difficult to write “to be honest” instead of “tbh” or “talk to ya later” instead of “ttyl”? Let’s be honest – you’re not in a rush there. You’re not texting and trying to save credit, or writing on the fly. You’re seating your fat ass in front of your PC and procrastinating. Is it that tedious to write up a full sentence instead of a slew of acronyms? Can it be that laborious to write “I love the chorus of that song!” instead of clicking LIKE.?

This means: I find it really hard to express my enjoyment textually

 Needless to say, while I held on for long, I now click like just like anyone else. I still feel a pang of guilt when I don’t write something more but most of the time – I simply cannot be bothered. And there is the key.

If observed from a far enough vantage point, the internet is evolving to a position of distancing. I’ve mentioned before how using social networks, and the internet in general, leads to living in a entirely different social stratosphere. The rules are all different, the etiquette askew – Put a smiley, or you will appear angry, don’t use caps or it will seem like you are shouting, don’t like funeral posts (or do?), send birthday wishes to people you barely know….the list goes on. Twitter has the hashtag and the 140 character limit - what better way to funnel communication into a junk food format? Let us not even go into the abbreviation LOL (laugh out loud, for all you cavemen). I've heard people SAYING LOL in REAL LIFE. As in in my face, not ironically. Do you realize how paradoxical that is? You are SAYING a ABBREVIATION of the sentence LAUGH OUT LOUD. If you use LOL in any manner, ask yourself - when is the last time you've used LOL while ACTUALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD? Yes, I realize I'm not exactly re-inventing the wheel here - the LOL silliness has been documented even in its early days. But it's the bizarre nature of these internet communication rules and regulations that leave an impression.

    You don't see it, but this man is laughing out loud so hard,  that clock might fall off soon.

What’s startling to me about this phenomenon is that if one analyses it further you will notice its rituals and traits are actually tools for social distancing. This is why people rant endlessly about how computers will make you asocial – because they make you a different KIND of social. A lazy, speedy kind of social.

All these traits of the “new internet” social relations are built to take social responsibility from you, to make it as easy as possible NOT to communicate with someone. Like weapons – the evolution of weaponry consisted of moving the killer as far away from the victim as possible: first a stone, then a knife, then a sword, then a bow, then a gun, then a missile. The same goes for social relation in the 21^st century – its about being social but having as little possible contact with another human as possible.

OMG! LIKE!

You don’t NEED to write why you like something, it’s a waste of time and it demands conversation – and we don’t want conversation. We just want the other person to acknowledge that you find whatever they have shared valuable.  This is also key – eliminating the need for reproach.  With Facebook you can now congratulate someone for something WITHOUT EVER NEEDING TO TALK TO THEM. Until this, the only option was to SMS them – but that implied specific contact, almost like sending someone a personal message in their inbox. It calls for an answer, re-approach. If it is, however, on someones public page, this response is not necessary. There is no NEED for additional communication – I understand you don’t want to talk to me any more, and you understand I don’t want to talk to you. It’s like that friend you meet on the street and you agree to have coffee sometimes, knowing full well neither of you will ever heed that call. Except now it’s for everyone.

Very soon there will be an internet “protocol”, if you will, for almost every kind of social exchange. You will write Cto (check this out), followed by a link. People will like it. You’ll receive an invite for an event which you will decline, clicking on a “I’l be busy that day” button that automatically responds to the invite with that sentence. You’ll arrange stuff over Skype, with smileys at the end of every sentence because hell, you don’t wanna offend anybody! The sentences will be short, and anything longer (probably copy-pasted) will be written off with a tl:dr (too long, didn’t read). If you need to work with someone, on something, it’s better done via Skype chat or Google docs – that way you don’t actually have to TALK to the person, you can just hurl ideas at each other and conclude them with acronyms (GJ!). Finally, you’re going to see a video or two that you really enjoy, and like it on Youtube. You wont be bothered to actually write why you like it, the top comment is already a witty, short version of what you want to say – so you like that too. Gj! The less human contact, the better. Because who has time for that shit anyway?

THE DARK KNIGHT STUMBLES AND FALLS

THE INEVITABLE DISCLAIMER: Normally, I do not indulge in lengthy reviews, as I consider them far too tedious for my (four to five) readers, or anyone come to think it. This one, however, is in demand: I am in a small group of people that really DID NOT like this movie. As such I am forced to explain my dislike in a more-or-less detailed fashion. No, this will not change anyones opinion, nor is it meant to - it is simply meant to clarify my own my own. Also !!!SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

WHY THE DARK KNIGHT RISES SUCKED

Its hard to live up to a masterpiece, but its harder still to live up to hype. I was looking forward to three films to highlight my movie year: The Avengers, Prometheus and The Dark Knight Rises. The first was a huge risk - a big movie franchise bestowed upon a cult-followed TV director. The second was a redemption story - famed Alien director returns to the genre he made famous. The final was the biggest of all - the grandiose finale and heir to one of the best hero movies ever made, The Dark Knight.

While Prometheus turned out to be a scriptwriters nightmare and an overal dissapointment, the Avengers came out of nowhere as the most entertaining, well paced super-hero in a long time. One failure, one sucess - that left the final: The Dark Knight Rises. 

It's at least gonna top this.

                                               

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Nolan has yet to fail with his films, so I was CERTAIN this movie would rock. The trailers looked amazing. Even the fact Anne Hathaway was cast sa Cat Woman did not dissuade me - was not Heath Leadger a completely "random" choice for the Joker, and we all know how that turned out. Hardy's Bane seemed charismatic and a game changer - someone that will ''break the bat''. It's been widely speculated that Nolan will kill Batman in the final movie. Everyone, myself included, was looking forward not to the twist - we all know he will die - but to the execution. Nolan is a master director and as such I knew, I bloody KNEW, I would be moved by Batman's death. 

To sum up my expectation: I was expecting a memorable villain, a storyline that evolves on complex issues of morality and the gray between good and evil and the highly emotional, reverberating death of Batman.

What I got was an even shittier Batman Begins.

Hold on. Just HOW shitty do you like your Batman?

SO...WHATS WRONG WITH IT?

I think I've started, and re-started, writing this text five times. The reason is not only because I'm supremely disappointed, but the fact I didn't know where to begin. There is so many wrongs and so few rights. So, I decided to take my expectations and analyse, one by one, how they were shattered.

Expectation 1: A memorable villan. 

Hardy's Bane is certainly imposing, and while his voice feels like a gimicky attempt to top Ledgers Joker, its still pretty cool. But what about the character himself? Is he a multi-faceted good-evil guy, a revolutionary wanting to  "free the people" and destroy the concept of the vigilante batman (something that would tie in nicely to TDKs plotline)?

Unfortunately, far from it. In the end, Bane turns out to be nothing but a glorified henchman, serving someone who is possibly the most disappointing villain of all time -  Thalia (Cotillard). So what happened with this ''comming storm'' hinted at in the trailer? What happened to this revolution, to Bane's seemingly educated, almost comunist, populism? Nothing. He never meant any of it. He's just out to destroy Gotham, and Batman, for his mistress. In effect, he is a better acted, less campy and slightly more nuanced version of the hulking imbecile from the older, crapy Batman with Posion Ivy and Mr.Freeze. Its tragic.

What about Thalia, the real villain? Is she at least complex and compeling? Nope. She is basically a one dimensional character out for mindless revenge and the completion of her fathers work. Her stupid cover as a Eco-friendly love interest is not only unconvincing, but also insulting to the audience - we are supposed to believe Bruce Wayne falls in love with her because she blinks her eyes at him and pretends to care? Is it really that easy? When she dies (in that admittetly funny fashion thats made fun of on the internet as we speak) no one cares. Literally no one.

Expectation 2: A storyline that evolves on complex issues of morality and the gray between good and evil.

Sure, Gotham has now turned to peace thanks to the Dent law - but there is no continuation of the whole Dark Knight Vigilante In Exile story. Bruce simply decides to come back at one point, and that is it. The Joker is not even mentioned even though at one point every convict in the city is released. More importantly though, none of the moral dilemmas from The Dark Knight ever resurface. There is no conflict or gray zone here. Batman -good. Thalia/Bane - evil. The single marginally interesting conflict and character evolution is between Bruce and Alfred (and even this is debatable) Their argument over Alfredćs desire for Bruce to ''let it go'' and not die is the only even mildly compelling moment in the entire film.

As a matter of fact, the ENTIRE movie plot can be summarized thusly:

Batman arrives, overcomes adversity and eventually defeats a madwoman intent on destroying Gotham. He then retires peacefully.

Am I the only one put off by this? It's sad when the follow up to one of the most jarring morality stories in a hero movie (TDK) is followed up by B-movie plot lines and one-dimensional characters.

Expectation 3: The highly emotional, reverberating death of Batman.

Didn't expect me to skip this one, did you? What could have been a dramatic ending that  leaves even grown men teary eyed ended up a massive turn-off. Not only was Batman's death not compelling, he didn't EVEN FUCKING DIE. Nolan makes the most ridiculous, ungainly happy ending - something so unlike him that its hard to believe. So why is his "death" not emotional? Again - because no one cares about him. Why? Well look at the character. There is no evolution or depth. While it can be said there was not a lot to begin with (The Joker and Harvey Dent were far more complex characters than Batman was) - this movie treats him as a mindless super-hero shell. The trials he goes through so he can "fall" and then "rise" again are borderline retarded. Bane gives him a 30 second speech about how he sucks and then breaks his back. Really? Thats all it took? His silly recovery from SPINAL FUCKING INJURY is like a bad 80's montage criss crossed with foreign accents and rope. There is no true fall from grace, or redemption. Just a classic action movie moment of doubt followed by a re-arming and return to defeat the enemy.  So the punchline would be: No one cares for Stock Superhero, he dies but then he actually isn't dead, lolz! Wow.

Other issues: Plot, plot and plot. Also, extras.

I've never been big on plotholes. If a movie is good enough it can stand quite a few and still be a good movie. This, however, is not such a movie - so the plot holes ram nails in a very deep deep coffin. The jolly people from the internet  have already pointed out some and to me they only further my dismay. Please see them here and here. So what the hell is it with that stupid pit-jail with vaguely arabic people? And the ease in which Batman heals his spine? What about the many gaping problems pointed out in those two clips?

These bother me less than the so called filler-extras: Cat Woman, Commissioner Gordon and Blake the motherfucking Robin. These character serve little-to-no purpose, are cruelly one-dimensional and sometimes even unnecessary. Commissioner Gordon pretty much just goes around making faces. Blake is a goody two-shoes cop that doubles as a orphanage helper. Does he also feed Africa and cure AIDS? He is not even a character, just an instrument to represent uncorrupted good and a tool to inherit Wayne Mannor. What about Celina Kyle aka CatWoman? A love interest only after EcoWoman (Cotillard) proves to be a crazy villain, Cat Woman is just that - Batmans  bland, uninteresting love interest...because every blockbuster needs  a love story, you guys! Even if the protagonist is deeply scared by losing the one he truly loved (Maggie Gylenhal in TDK). Sigh.

THIS! This is how the death of hope and expectation look like!

                                                 

CONCLUSION: The Matrix Syndrome.

So Nolan is no longer the immaculate movie maker with no fault. I didnt like Batman Begins either, but I thought it was a one-ff, producer-affected origin story.

It appears to me that, sadly, The Dark Knight is an aberration in this trilogy. Much like the Matrix, one of the three films is a masterpiece, the others are utter trash. It just happens that here it is the second one, and not the first, that is a work of art. In actuality, skipping The Dark Knight and simply watching Batman Begins followed by The Dark Knight Rises - makes much more sense. Those two (BB and TKDR) share the same faults and same style. They are both bad, but at least they are consistent: view them as shitty films, but an improvement to the Schumacher Batman travesty for sure.

Then, when you've gotten the suck out of your system, go watch The Dark Knight and see what a real Batman movie is.

Hey. at least it had no nipples!

                                                                          

PS: Thank the Gods for the Avengers. Without them, it would be a bleak year for blockbusters.